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every time I talk to you, I just want to cry embrace you. I just wish that I could heal your wounds knew what to say to show my love comfort you. I know you've been through so many crucial things that you still haven't learned from have shaped your life in ways you never thought possible. I know your heart is buried in hurt and bitterness injured and that you don't really know what it is to truly love it's hard for you to feel loved deal with those things in your life. sweetie, I wish you knew how much I really care for you. I mean even though we aren't close, I wish we were really do. I've had the opportunity to reach out to you so many times, but I was scared didn't know how. I love you and I keep you in my prayers. I just want you to be happy. I want you to heal.
It's hard to understand you. I just don't get the way you think. No, wait; I do understand, because I used to think like you too. But what I don't get is why you still think in that same old worn-out way.
You were always the one who wanted to live on the edge...be different...let the mainstream bleed their own blood while you lived in a world of your own....and escape the stereotype of "normal."
But you're just like all the rest of them.same problems same escapes same hiding places same worries same excuses same promises same broken promises same anger same bitterness same emptiness same actions same ideas same attractions same hatred same clothes same hair same heart same mind same beliefs same concepts same breath same blood same lifeAnd you'd never admit it.
It's funny how you can see your mistakes so clearly after you've made them...and after someone points them out to you. It's interesting how we often can't see what we're doing wrong, while so many other people can. But we all make mistakes.
i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...
And as many times as you stand in front of the mirror and stare blankly at that peculiar person who's staring right back at you with that same empty wonderment that you've got, you still can't see what everyone else sees. And when you do get a glimpse of the problem, denial comes and blurs the picture once more...and again you stare at an unfamiliar face. I've never seen eyes as empty as the ones you call your own.
I've never seen anyone break into a million pieces and not realize that there were small fragments missing from the final product when you tried to put yourself back together. You put everything in backward and upside down. Now there's too much between your heart and anything outside your chest. You've got all of these layers of hurt covering your once bare heart...and it forgot how to breathe. And so this is how you've become just like all the rest of them. Your heart, in attempts to keep on beating, watched the hearts of others and copied the pattern.
same rudiments same rhythm same pattern same sequence same style same method same order same cycle same flow same blood same life
So you've become the very thing you always told yourself you'd never be. When you don't know yourself anymore, how can you expect others to? When people don't know how to fix themselves, they become something new so they can mask the problem. Then that problem gets forgotten with all the ones that pile on top of it. It's important to realize that trying to fix yourself will be of no benefit to you.
You have to heal.
I love you too much to see you the way you are, but I can't do much to help if you aren't willing to try.
Won't you heal?
+<3x
You were always the one who wanted to live on the edge...be different...let the mainstream bleed their own blood while you lived in a world of your own....and escape the stereotype of "normal."
But you're just like all the rest of them.same problems same escapes same hiding places same worries same excuses same promises same broken promises same anger same bitterness same emptiness same actions same ideas same attractions same hatred same clothes same hair same heart same mind same beliefs same concepts same breath same blood same lifeAnd you'd never admit it.
It's funny how you can see your mistakes so clearly after you've made them...and after someone points them out to you. It's interesting how we often can't see what we're doing wrong, while so many other people can. But we all make mistakes.
i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...i make mistakes...you make mistakes...we all make mistakes...
And as many times as you stand in front of the mirror and stare blankly at that peculiar person who's staring right back at you with that same empty wonderment that you've got, you still can't see what everyone else sees. And when you do get a glimpse of the problem, denial comes and blurs the picture once more...and again you stare at an unfamiliar face. I've never seen eyes as empty as the ones you call your own.
I've never seen anyone break into a million pieces and not realize that there were small fragments missing from the final product when you tried to put yourself back together. You put everything in backward and upside down. Now there's too much between your heart and anything outside your chest. You've got all of these layers of hurt covering your once bare heart...and it forgot how to breathe. And so this is how you've become just like all the rest of them. Your heart, in attempts to keep on beating, watched the hearts of others and copied the pattern.
same rudiments same rhythm same pattern same sequence same style same method same order same cycle same flow same blood same life
So you've become the very thing you always told yourself you'd never be. When you don't know yourself anymore, how can you expect others to? When people don't know how to fix themselves, they become something new so they can mask the problem. Then that problem gets forgotten with all the ones that pile on top of it. It's important to realize that trying to fix yourself will be of no benefit to you.
You have to heal.
I love you too much to see you the way you are, but I can't do much to help if you aren't willing to try.
Won't you heal?
+<3x
Hey,I guess it's been awhile since you've heard from me. I've been rather busy. A lot of friends have been going off to college. However, they're all pretty much still close, except for Miranda who is going to PA. This is one of the biggest points of one's life. You decide what exactly you are going to do with the rest of your life. You decide where you will live and with whom you'll associate. It's not easy. Music is still an ongoing theme. As for this weekend, I'm going to the Swythe battle tonight and the Flipside Fest tomorrow. It's expensive, and a lot of my paychecks go to gas and admissions. However, dreams of music never fade. I started playing my guitar this morning when I woke up, and I was thinking about how interesting it would be to play another instrument. Guitar is fun, but I've always wanted to try bass, and more than bass I've always wanted to play the drums. I know a lot of drummers; maybe I could get some lessons. I've also thought about getting voice lessons; that would be beneficial. I've recently been studying the past. I've only read three of the 300 fulfilled Messianic Jewish prophecies. Along with that I've been looking at aspects of religion. I've also become fascinated with Forensic Science and I've been reading up on medical illnesses, etc. I thought of taking psychology as my major in college, but I'm not sure yet.So that explains some things that have been happening lately. Don't worry, we'll talk again soon. In the meantime, how are you doing?Sincerely,Chele+<3x
so yesterday was the big night...the night of the play that i was in...it went well i think. dustin did an excellent job with all of it and i'd be happy to work with him again. and i'd love to hang out with all the people that were in it with me...that'd be cool, they're all really cool...
some people said i did a really good job acting. maybe...i don't know. i find it easy to take a role on and make it real...to bring it to life...to be casual and real about it. i mean...most people act everyday...they call it "fitting in". you know them, they play the part well...to where you almost don't even know how fake they are until one day they slip up on a line or two...and their mask falls off...and they were so good at acting...or "fitting in" that you didn't even notice that they were just playing a role. acting is fun. it's exciting. but who wants to act every moment of their life? who wants to be themselves around most people but then have to put on a mask in front of those select few? did those select few even ask you to be different around them?
you shouldn't have to disguise yourself when you are with your friends...no matter how different you may be. if you think you need to put on an act or hide things from them...you might want to question why you think you need to do that. maybe there's a reason you guard your words or wear different clothes...maybe there's a reason you listen to music you hate or avoid places you would normally go, people you would normally see, and things you normally do.
your friend, if your friend is indeed a true friend, is not going to judge you and point a finger at your faults and mistakes to make you feel inferior or to hurt you. not at all. with that in mind...take a look...why are you hiding?
a true friend would rather see you dress that way and do those things and see those people and go to those places and say those things, all in your raw skin...than to see your masked face as you tell lie after lie and hide relentlessly.
think about it.
+<3x
some people said i did a really good job acting. maybe...i don't know. i find it easy to take a role on and make it real...to bring it to life...to be casual and real about it. i mean...most people act everyday...they call it "fitting in". you know them, they play the part well...to where you almost don't even know how fake they are until one day they slip up on a line or two...and their mask falls off...and they were so good at acting...or "fitting in" that you didn't even notice that they were just playing a role. acting is fun. it's exciting. but who wants to act every moment of their life? who wants to be themselves around most people but then have to put on a mask in front of those select few? did those select few even ask you to be different around them?
you shouldn't have to disguise yourself when you are with your friends...no matter how different you may be. if you think you need to put on an act or hide things from them...you might want to question why you think you need to do that. maybe there's a reason you guard your words or wear different clothes...maybe there's a reason you listen to music you hate or avoid places you would normally go, people you would normally see, and things you normally do.
your friend, if your friend is indeed a true friend, is not going to judge you and point a finger at your faults and mistakes to make you feel inferior or to hurt you. not at all. with that in mind...take a look...why are you hiding?
a true friend would rather see you dress that way and do those things and see those people and go to those places and say those things, all in your raw skin...than to see your masked face as you tell lie after lie and hide relentlessly.
think about it.
+<3x
this is it... the tides have rolled in and the temperature's just about right...it's almost time for us to walk on water+<3x
a whistle of windso bitterly cold that it chills even the brittle bones of those with cold blood and hearts of stoneescapes from your pale lips with every word you speakand every wordsends a crushing force upon whatever being it landslike a crisp brown leaf on an october sidewalk that was overlooked by a hurried joggerwhose pieces are now crumbled and broken withered and torndead in flesh to the world that once knew it to be alivei too was overlookedand here we stand after a far journey down this path that's been so lovelythe way the young trees would stand firm in the warm summer air and blow about in the cold winter stormsthe way the roses would blossom with every petal in place to yield intense beautythe way every blade of grass was rich in color and healthand covered every edge of the ground near the path we walkedthe way that the sun would melt out of the cloudsdown to the groundonly to rise new and collected hours laterthe way the stars would dance around once the sun had gonelike children in an open field with no guardian who could play all day and all night and never be tiredchildren in an open skythe way the harvest moon would set on top of the willow treesand make even themin their drooping and sadnessglow with a praise no other tree along the way could showand what about us?it's been hard for us bothour memories reek of laughterthey drown in salty tearsand burn in bitter and selfish angerit's all we haveand yet none of it matters anymore as we stand herestaring at each otherquestioning the path before usfor at this fork in the pathi want to go one way and you want to go anotherand we can no longer walk togetherthe sun only shines on one sideand stars will only dance with the sun and the grass only grows where it is seen by the sun's lighteverything beautiful depends on the sun and is too stubborn to live without iteveryone wants the sunexcept youyou want to walk alone in the moonlightin the fog and through the swampswhere there is no real trail and you only guess what you suppose is the right way to goand you end up walking in circles for days before you start on the right pathbut you only last on that path for a short time before you wander off againbut if you'd only come with meif you'd only walked with me and come my waywe'd still be walking togetherhelping each otherand enjoying the beauty together along the wayand yet here we standstaring at each otherbecause this is where we partas i go in my direction and you in yoursgoodbye my friendmaybe someday you'll come back from your pathback to the fork where we partedand you'll take the path i tookand find me until that day...+<3x
life's nothing like she had supposedshe whispers with her senses closedshe won't see him or hear his voicebecause she struggles with a choiceto live and do all she has plannedor die and bend on each commandto live could prove any of these evident:drugs, alcohol, lust, casual sex, idolatry, witchcraft, satanism, violence, selfishness, greed, envy, anger, hatred, cults, gangs, parties, raves, disbelief, worry, liesto die would prove all of these evident:love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-controleach has difficulty, pain, fear, and problemsbut to live means there is an empty shell of suffering built around the absence of a core to die means reliefshe stares into the eyes of grace and turns her own decaying facea tear rolls down, he cries in pain and reaches out and calls her namebut she won't turn, she's locked the doorthe bolt is thick THIS IS A WARBE STILL
sweet unrelenting sacrificehow does thou see what is to comeif not be the past then the future is neari do say, how can you smile, when only a day is near, while a night's so farto see the starswhat is this division of the place where you go?do you see this transgression of the holy--no, what's not? wheres your moment to shine alone?or will you?like the sun and the stars or can you?will you see the end before the rest or before it comes?whats the price to pay for loneliness?i'm not alonea seventh day among the 23rd and the signals still flash and the sirens still scream what a daydreamwhat a daydreamwhat a reality. what a life...that's about to begin.+<3x
when something impacts you enough to make you change your whole outlook on life and to make you change who you are or what you do...it could be good or bad. the good is definite. the bad is dangerous. something changed your life. remember what you what you were like before then?and look at you now...are you who you want to be?+<3x
i'm...
a geek, a loser, a no one, a nerd, a failure, a fool, a clown, a jerk, a sucker, a drop-out, a freak, a reject, a poser, a follower, a junkie, a cliche, a punk, a disappointment, a disgrace, a bad influence, a tragedy
i'm...
stupid, clumsy, lazy, repetative, simple, brainwashed, gullible, trapped, alone, different, dead, weird, distant, lost, broken, changed, trendy, obnoxious, meaningless, trash, predictable, dumb, unpleasant, ugly, absent-minded, ridiculous, immortal, confused
am i all that you say i am because you believe that i am?
or is it because you don't believe, and i do?
maybe it's because you just don't understand.
i don't fit in, i don't belong...
and i hope i never ever will...
+<3x
a geek, a loser, a no one, a nerd, a failure, a fool, a clown, a jerk, a sucker, a drop-out, a freak, a reject, a poser, a follower, a junkie, a cliche, a punk, a disappointment, a disgrace, a bad influence, a tragedy
i'm...
stupid, clumsy, lazy, repetative, simple, brainwashed, gullible, trapped, alone, different, dead, weird, distant, lost, broken, changed, trendy, obnoxious, meaningless, trash, predictable, dumb, unpleasant, ugly, absent-minded, ridiculous, immortal, confused
am i all that you say i am because you believe that i am?
or is it because you don't believe, and i do?
maybe it's because you just don't understand.
i don't fit in, i don't belong...
and i hope i never ever will...
+<3x
i've learned that...
money will lead to death
limited power has no authority
light always beats darkness
balance is relative to weight
true love avoids temptation
every second could be the last
i've learned that...
i'll take everything that belongs to me with me when i die
i wasn't made to burn
i've learned that...
sorrow is a sweet masterpiece created with creativity and slyly misused and brought about with the notion to push one until one can no longer balance on the edge that they walk along and they fall to their death
misery is sorrow's best friend and despair is a mutual friend of them both, but doubt introduced them all to each other
i've learned...
in a week's worth of resistance i find that the battle goes on and i'm not alone in the fight
i find that the comfort i thought i had lost was there all along, tucked in a corner that was blocked by things i never thought could hinder my sight and i didn't realize they did until i moved them
i am renewed, whole, and ready.
we win again.
+<3x
money will lead to death
limited power has no authority
light always beats darkness
balance is relative to weight
true love avoids temptation
every second could be the last
i've learned that...
i'll take everything that belongs to me with me when i die
i wasn't made to burn
i've learned that...
sorrow is a sweet masterpiece created with creativity and slyly misused and brought about with the notion to push one until one can no longer balance on the edge that they walk along and they fall to their death
misery is sorrow's best friend and despair is a mutual friend of them both, but doubt introduced them all to each other
i've learned...
in a week's worth of resistance i find that the battle goes on and i'm not alone in the fight
i find that the comfort i thought i had lost was there all along, tucked in a corner that was blocked by things i never thought could hinder my sight and i didn't realize they did until i moved them
i am renewed, whole, and ready.
we win again.
+<3x
a giant leap a prayer answereda victoryand a lossi told you you would lose. +<3x
one more victory for the prowlerone more captive seized into his limited powerone more reason for him to show his deceitful grinone more tear from my eyewhat can i do? a mere seventeen years in my past and not too many to comea servant for a master a leader and a followeri won't fall victima stern image of the person that everyone hopes they'll never bethe person they all avoidthe one they know all about...yeah...they've heard the storiesthey know the namethey know the factsand they know something elseone more sorrow for the prowlerone more challenge for his stone cold heartone more flame unoccupiedone more smile for youhe won't give upwith his sly anticsbearer of magnificent beautythe proof that pretty is just fake uglywith dishonest eyes and an empty heartvengeful and deceitfulpure eviland he wants meone more temptationone more trip and fallone more aggravation and annoyanceone more drop of sweatand finally, the battle is herehis eyes meet minei look awayhe draws up his weaponsi draw up my armorhe stands alone, staring me downi'm not alone...and i'm prepared to fighti'm not afraid anymorei'll fight to the deathdo you hear me?you lose.+<3x
with every question...
...there comes an answer...
but with every answer comes an even harder question
...there comes an answer...
but with every answer comes an even harder question
ugh...i just don't know...is it that the time has really been extended? or am i just so ready that it doesn't feel shortened anymore?+<3x
At first I was afraid...
and I thought my brain numb till I couldn't even breathe.
Then I was devastated...
and I cried tears so full of salt that they stung my eyes and rolled down to their doom at the end of my face.
Then I was terrified...
every time I closed my eyes, it was the end...over and over in my head...to the point where I woke up hot and paranoid...and spent exhausted days thinking about my sleepless nights.
Then I was told, and I came to the realization that...
...there's just enough time...
I won't waste it.
+<3x
and I thought my brain numb till I couldn't even breathe.
Then I was devastated...
and I cried tears so full of salt that they stung my eyes and rolled down to their doom at the end of my face.
Then I was terrified...
every time I closed my eyes, it was the end...over and over in my head...to the point where I woke up hot and paranoid...and spent exhausted days thinking about my sleepless nights.
Then I was told, and I came to the realization that...
...there's just enough time...
I won't waste it.
+<3x
and your golden eyes stared at me...as i talked...and you heard every word. you heard me! you actually listened to the insignificant little things that i said, but you thought it was beautiful...you thought i was beautiful...you hung the moon and the stars above me to magnify your love's intensity...but i will never be able to understand such love, so powerful. my heart is yours, my love. no one can steal my heart from you, for there is no one quite as amazing as you are...none even compare. like a thief in the night, you captured my heart...but i gave it freely. this much i love you...and more. the blue sky was lost among the forming clouds until it was like patchwork set in grey-scale. and then the stitches popped and the rain poured down upon me like a think blanket to hide me from my enemies. and through it all you found me. you set aside a place in your heart for me. for me! there's nothing special about me...nothing different or better...yet...you let me into your heart. and i am awed. for no one has or ever will love me like you do...how incredible...and i tell everyone about you...and all the little things you do to make me happy...and ill shout it out from the mountainside that i love you with all my soul. this much i love you...and more. the people were consumed in beauty...they danced and laughed and sang and cheered all for you...so many...all for you...and we all gathered around, that we would be seen by you, perhaps hand-chosen by you...and you looked at me...and you said, "come." and i came. you said,"go out for me," and so i have gone and i will go...a million miles ill go for you...and i do it today...always...and i live today...and in my mind all i think about it how awesome you really are and how i want to be with you forever...i am so devoted to you. this much i love you......and more...+<3x
i don't know how to listen.
i sit in silence...and i can't clear my mind.
i don't know what i should be doing.
i need help.
------------------------------------
message by ixoye4ever
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+<3x
i sit in silence...and i can't clear my mind.
i don't know what i should be doing.
i need help.
------------------------------------
message by ixoye4ever
------------------------------------
+<3x
every single nice thing that i see now reminds me of you...even the stars...remind me of you
it's gorgeous...with a cool air that's usually only present in fall. beauty all around. the water ripples with that cool air, yet there is silence. and the sky has it's normal darkness...until you look straight up...the stars...they're breath-taking...just...absolutely amazing...so close...as if the sky's come down for just that short amount of time to show off the beauty that occupies it...all i can do is stare in awe...how magnificent...a perfect...or almost perfect night to go to the planes and watch them...or call up gary to go with him and watch those beautiful stars...to go to his spot on the side of the road...where the fireflies dance with a brilliance no other can match...and they crawl all around blinking, almost taunting anyone to come chase them and hold them for a moment before they would slip from the grasp...
those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the firmament, and those who turn many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever
and everything's too gorgeous to be true...too lovely to be belived...but i see it with my own eyes...and even before i see, i believe...for believing truly IS seeing. and if i were to stay here forever...it would only be a blissful life.
here we are, here we are...windows down, we see a falling star...stop the car
beauty.
----------------------------------------
blue: falls church - in my dreamz
green: daniel 12:3
pink: mae - summertime
----------------------------------------
it's gorgeous...with a cool air that's usually only present in fall. beauty all around. the water ripples with that cool air, yet there is silence. and the sky has it's normal darkness...until you look straight up...the stars...they're breath-taking...just...absolutely amazing...so close...as if the sky's come down for just that short amount of time to show off the beauty that occupies it...all i can do is stare in awe...how magnificent...a perfect...or almost perfect night to go to the planes and watch them...or call up gary to go with him and watch those beautiful stars...to go to his spot on the side of the road...where the fireflies dance with a brilliance no other can match...and they crawl all around blinking, almost taunting anyone to come chase them and hold them for a moment before they would slip from the grasp...
those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the firmament, and those who turn many to righteousness, like the stars forever and ever
and everything's too gorgeous to be true...too lovely to be belived...but i see it with my own eyes...and even before i see, i believe...for believing truly IS seeing. and if i were to stay here forever...it would only be a blissful life.
here we are, here we are...windows down, we see a falling star...stop the car
beauty.
----------------------------------------
blue: falls church - in my dreamz
green: daniel 12:3
pink: mae - summertime
----------------------------------------
have you ever wondered...a spider makes this gorgeous web...this magnificent creation...that it's so very proud of...this creature takes such pride in this wonderful creation...because not many other creatures would even begin to try to create something like this...let alone accomplish it...i mean...most creatures could try to form a web like a spider's...but even if it got to the creation of it, the creature would probably get caught in its own web. isn't it interesting...how a spider can create this magnificent thing...and not get itself caught in it? it sits and guards its precious web and pities all those who become caught in it...and then it goes in for the kill and the prey has no chance to defend itself against the spider's game. but what would happen if someone found a way to ruin the web...if that creature could no longer take pride in its beautiful creation because it was found and destroyed...what if the prey united then...and the spider was caught in its destroyed creation alone to die? could the prey be that cruel? no, i don't think so...the prey wouldn't leave the spider for dead...even though the spider tried to kill the prey...no, this prey would much rather watch the spider crawl away with pride as crushed as its delicate and now destroyed creation. have you ever wondered...how does a spider crawl out...when it's caught in its own web?+<3x